Humor

Born a Baptist

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill
and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba’s neighbors were Catholic,
and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such
a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a
Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.
As the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, “You were born a
Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.”

Bubba’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived,
and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the
neighborhood. The Priest was called by the neighbors and as he rushed
into Bubba’s yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he
stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he
carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanting: “You wuz born
a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.”

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell in to a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)

'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks'

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One day an ole West Texas Cowboy who had been stranded on a deserted
island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to
himself, "It's certainly not a ship."

And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the
possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.
Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit , there stood a
drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned cowboy and said to him,
"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar."

"Ten years," replied the amazed cowboy With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left
sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of LaBaron cigars.

He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Damn," said the man,
"that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a good frosty cold bottle of
Lone Star beer?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket
there and removes a cold bottle of Lone Star beer and hands it to him.

He opened the bottle and took a long drink. "'It's the nectar of the gods!"
stated the cowboy, "Great!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of
her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and
asked, "And how long has it been since you've had a good hard ride?"

With tears in his eyes, the cowboy fell to his knees and sobbed, "Hell!
Don't tell me that you've got Quarter Horse in there, too!"

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There was a preacher who was trying to sell his horse. A man stopped by to see how the horse rode. The preacher told the man that instead of saying, “walk", say, “praise the Lord,” and instead of saying, “whoa,” say, “amen.” So the man got on the horse and said, “praise the Lord,” and the horse started to walk. The man then said, “praise the Lord,” again and the horse started to trot. He said it a few more times, then the horse started galloping. Suddenly a cliff appeared. The man yelled "Whoa!". The horse didn't stop. He tried yelling al sorts of things, and he tried to pull the horse up, but it wouldn't stop. Then suddenly he remembered what to say. The man said, “amen.” The horse stopped right before they fell off. The man was so relieved that he put his hand on his forehead and then said, ”Praise the Lord.”

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

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There is a blonde and a brunette. They share their ranch and have lots of female cows. One day, they decide to get a male for breeding to their female cows. So the brunette went down to Texas with her life savings of $200 to buy a male cow. She searched up and down and all around and finally found a man that would sell her a cow for $199. Very excited, she bought the cow right away. She then went to the telegram office to send the blonde a telegram to tell her to bring the trailer so they could take the cow back home. She says "Sir, i need a telegram" "What will it say ma'am?" "I found a male cow. Bring the trailer." "Ok ma'am, that will be $7. One dollar a word" The brunette only had one dollar left so she said "Oh, sorry. I need to change the telegram." "Ok what does it need to say" "Comfortable." "Umm ma'am, it's none of my business but i don't think she will understand that, you know that right?" "Well, you see, my friend is a blonde and she reads REALLY slow. When she gets the telegram, she will read it like this: COM-FOR-DA-BULL!"