Humor

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

The New Rifle

  Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot
 it.

  Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to

see a big black bear.

  The black bear said,  That was a very bad mistake. That was my

cousin. I'm going to give you two choices.

  Either I maul you to death or we have sex. ' After considering

briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.  So the black

bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks,

Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

  He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear

and shot it dead.  Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.  The grizzly

said, ' That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've

got two choices: either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex.'

  Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear

than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

  Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully

recovered.

  Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and

managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.

  He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there
 was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

  The polar bear looked at him and said,  'Admit it Frank, you don't

come here for the hunting, do you?

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OAT MEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED.

HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

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A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resoluti on photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep...
Now give me back my dog.

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TEXANS VS. THE FEDS
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but don’t go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

" Your badge.

Show him your BADGE ! "

Only Horse People...

- know that all topical medications come in either indelible blue or
neon yellow.

- think nothing of eating a sandwich while mucking out a stall.

- know why a thermometer has a yard of yarn attached to the end of it.

- are banned from Laundromats.

- fail to associate whips, chains and leather with sexual deviancy.

- can magically lower their voices five octaves to bellow at a pawing
horse.

- will end relationships over their hobby.

- cluck to their cars to help them up hills.

- insure their horses for more than their cars.

- know (and care) more about their horse's nutrition than their own.

- have no problem speaking of semen, abscesses and colic surgery at the
dinner table.

- have a smaller wardrobe than their horse.

- engage in a hobby that is more work than their day job.

- know that a good ride is better than Zoloft any day.

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

                (1) They live here. You don't.
                (2) If you don't want their hair on your pants, stay off the furniture.

                     That's why it's called Fur-niture!

(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Top Ten reasons dogs and cats are better than kids, because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ..

A REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY

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THE BOTTLE OF WINE

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride..

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First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their
first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the
surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor
started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is
necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is
that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For
an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in
the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his
mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The
students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and
sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them
and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in
my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay
attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.
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TEXAS DEPUTY SHERIFF VS NEW YORK LAWYER

Only in Texas my friends... Only in Texas
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says,' License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer.

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law License and registration, please!' the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

YYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEhahahahahahaha hheeeeehhhehehehehe HAWAWAWAWAWAAW

Brand new edition of...
'You know you're a redneck when......
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.com.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Born a Baptist

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill
and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba’s neighbors were Catholic,
and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such
a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a
Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.
As the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, “You were born a
Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.”

Bubba’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived,
and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the
neighborhood. The Priest was called by the neighbors and as he rushed
into Bubba’s yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he
stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he
carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanting: “You wuz born
a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.”

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell in to a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)

'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks'

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One day an ole West Texas Cowboy who had been stranded on a deserted
island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to
himself, "It's certainly not a ship."

And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the
possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.
Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit , there stood a
drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned cowboy and said to him,
"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar."

"Ten years," replied the amazed cowboy With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left
sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of LaBaron cigars.

He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Damn," said the man,
"that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a good frosty cold bottle of
Lone Star beer?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket
there and removes a cold bottle of Lone Star beer and hands it to him.

He opened the bottle and took a long drink. "'It's the nectar of the gods!"
stated the cowboy, "Great!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of
her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and
asked, "And how long has it been since you've had a good hard ride?"

With tears in his eyes, the cowboy fell to his knees and sobbed, "Hell!
Don't tell me that you've got Quarter Horse in there, too!"

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There was a preacher who was trying to sell his horse. A man stopped by to see how the horse rode. The preacher told the man that instead of saying, “walk", say, “praise the Lord,” and instead of saying, “whoa,” say, “amen.” So the man got on the horse and said, “praise the Lord,” and the horse started to walk. The man then said, “praise the Lord,” again and the horse started to trot. He said it a few more times, then the horse started galloping. Suddenly a cliff appeared. The man yelled "Whoa!". The horse didn't stop. He tried yelling al sorts of things, and he tried to pull the horse up, but it wouldn't stop. Then suddenly he remembered what to say. The man said, “amen.” The horse stopped right before they fell off. The man was so relieved that he put his hand on his forehead and then said, ”Praise the Lord.”

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There is a blonde and a brunette. They share their ranch and have lots of female cows. One day, they decide to get a male for breeding to their female cows. So the brunette went down to Texas with her life savings of $200 to buy a male cow. She searched up and down and all around and finally found a man that would sell her a cow for $199. Very excited, she bought the cow right away. She then went to the telegram office to send the blonde a telegram to tell her to bring the trailer so they could take the cow back home. She says "Sir, i need a telegram" "What will it say ma'am?" "I found a male cow. Bring the trailer." "Ok ma'am, that will be $7. One dollar a word" The brunette only had one dollar left so she said "Oh, sorry. I need to change the telegram." "Ok what does it need to say" "Comfortable." "Umm ma'am, it's none of my business but i don't think she will understand that, you know that right?" "Well, you see, my friend is a blonde and she reads REALLY slow. When she gets the telegram, she will read it like this: COM-FOR-DA-BULL!"